Jialin Yan

舅舅、外公、外婆三人曾住在一起。通过与他们的接触,我观察到他们身上共同散发出的脆弱状态。几年间他们三人相继离世。因为各种原因,我没有见到他们三人最后一面。强烈的遗憾与自责,经年累月让我无法释怀亲人离世带来的痛苦。


人对痛苦的逃避是本能反应,但或许直面伤痛,才能帮助自己释怀。直到我开始和朋友们谈起三人离世的事情,才发现大多数人也和我一样用逃避去淡忘亲人离世的伤痛。

莫里斯梅特林克在《青鸟》中提到一个关于死亡的观点:有的人虽然已经故去,但只要有人还在怀念他,他就还会像从前一样幸福地活着。至此我开始思考,对待亲人,应是怀念与铭记,而不是忘却。于是我不想再逃避。之后,我便开始频繁地走访他们生前最后出现的地方,和家人更多地去谈论他们三人,找寻他们存在过的痕迹,捕捉曾被我忽略的事情。最终,那些被找回的痕迹和感受,成为了他们三人对我的羁绊。这些羁绊最终将会变成他们存在于我的世界里的暗涌,持续地流动下去。

My uncle, grandfather and grandmother used to live together. Through my contact with them, I observed the collective vulnerability that emanated from them. All three died within a few years of each other. For various reasons, I did not see the three of them last. Intense regret and self-reproach have kept me from letting go of the pain caused by the death of my loved one for years.

It's a natural reaction to run away from pain, but maybe confronting it can help you move on. It wasn't until I started talking to my friends about three deaths that I realized that most of them, like me, were trying to escape their loss.

Maurice Maeterlinck mentioned a point of view about death in the Blue Bird: although some people have passed away, as long as someone still remembers him, he will still be as happy as before. So I began to think, treat relatives, should be remembered and remember, rather than forget. So I don't want to run away. After that, I began to visit the places where they were last seen, and talked more about them with my family members, looking for traces of their existence and capturing things that I had neglected. In the end, the traces and feelings of being retrieved became the fetters of all three of them. These fetters will eventually become dark surges of their presence in my world, flowing on and on.
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