Jialin Yan

舅舅、外公、外婆三人曾住在一起。通过与他们的接触,我观察到他们身上共同散发出的脆弱状态:退休的外公、外婆几乎没有社交生活,做为残障人士的舅舅常年在家、甚少外出。他们相依为命,形成了一种脆弱又封闭的处于社会边缘的连结体。二零零八年之后的几年间,舅舅、外公、外婆三人相继离世:舅舅因抑郁症自杀,几年后患有阿兹海默症的外公在养老院去世,房子里最后留下的外婆在二零二零年春节在家中离世。

在他们离世时,因为各种原因,我没有见到他们三人最后一面。强烈的遗憾与自责,经年累月让我无法释怀亲人离世带来的痛苦。人对痛苦的逃避是本能反应,但或许直面伤痛,才能帮助自己释怀。直到我开始和朋友们谈起三人离世的事情,才发现大多数人也和我一样用逃避去淡忘亲人离世的伤痛。

莫里斯梅特林克在《青鸟》中提到一个关于死亡的观点:有的人虽然已经故去,但只要有人还在怀念他,他就还会像从前一样幸福地活着。至此我开始思考,对待亲人,应是怀念与铭记,而不是忘却。于是我不想再逃避。之后,我便开始频繁地走访他们生前最后出现的地方,和家人更多地去谈论他们三人,找寻他们存在过的痕迹,捕捉曾被我忽略的事情。最终,那些被找回的痕迹和感受,成为了他们三人对我的羁绊。这些羁绊最终将会变成他们存在于我的世界里的暗涌,持续地流动下去。

My uncle, grandfather and grandmother used to live together. Through my contact with them, I observed a common state of vulnerability: the retired grandfather and grandmother had almost no social life, and the disabled uncle was always at home and seldom went out. They were dependent on each other, forming a fragile and closed connection on the margins of society. In the years following 2008, my uncle, grandfather and grandmother passed away: my uncle committed suicide due to depression, my grandfather, who suffered from Alzheimer's disease, died in a nursing home a few years later, and my grandmother, the last person left in the house, died at home in the Chinese New Year of 2020.

At the time of their deaths, for various reasons, I did not get to see the three of them one last time. The strong regret and remorse that I felt over the years prevented me from letting go of the pain caused by the death of my loved ones. It is an instinctive reaction to avoid pain, but perhaps facing the pain head-on will help you to let go. It wasn't until I started talking to friends about the loss of three people that I realised that most people, like me, used avoidance to make up for the loss of their loved ones.

Maurice Maeterlinck mentioned an idea about death in :there are those who have died, but as long as someone still misses them, they will live as happily as ever. It was then that I began to think that it was important to remember and remember loved ones, not forget them.

Therefore I didn't want to run away anymore. After that, I began to visit the places where they were last seen, to talk to my family more about the three of them, to find traces of their presence, to capture things I had overlooked. Eventually, the traces and feelings that were recovered became the bonds that the three of them held for me. These ties would eventually become the undercurrents of their presence in my world that would continue to flow.

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